At the 12th Annual 'Close Encounters of a Comic Book Kind'
Convention.
CBG: Tell you what. I'll show you something very special,
if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind
your back and keep them there.
(CBG unlocks briefcase and opens it)
CBG: Behold.
Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man number one.
CBG: None other.
Bart: I bet it's worth a million bucks.
CBG: It is my lad, but I will let you have it for a hundred
because you remind me of me.
Bart: Aw, all I got is thirty.
CBG: Then you cannot have.
Bart: But I must. Until this moment I never knew why God put
me on this earth, but now I know, to buy that comicbook.
CBG: Your motion is out of place here, son.

At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
CBG: Forty bucks?! Forget it! You made me get off my stool
for that?
Martin: It's all I've got! I sold seeds, I visited my aunt in
the nursery home, I fished a dime out of the sewer
for God's sake.
CBG: No way. (Turns to Bart) What do you want?
Bart: Can I have it for thirty-five.
CBG: No! No, freakin' kids. I do not need this, I've got a
masters degree in folklore mythology.
Milhouse: Excuse me. Do you have the Carl Yazstremski baseball
card from 1973, when he had big sideburns? {hp}
CBG: Show me the thirty bucks, 'cos if you a'int got it,
I a'int getting off the stool.
(Milhouse waves thirty bucks in the air)
CBG: Okay.
(CBG goes to retrieve the baseball card)
Bart: Wait a minute. Martin, if you, Milhouse, and I went
in together, we could buy a copy of Radioactive Man
number one right now.
Martin and Milhouse: Wow!
CBG: Here you go, mutton-chop Yaz.
Milhouse: I don't want it.
CBG: Freakin' kids.
Bart: Look pal, we've got a hundred bucks and we'd like to
buy Radioactive Man number one, so why don't you just
waddle over there and get it.
CBG: Yes sir.

Outside the shop
Bart: Wow! Breathe it in boys.
Martin: Ah, this is the stuff dreams are made of.
Milhouse: It smells like my Grampa.
Bart: Oh-oh, looks like rain. We'd better get this baby home.
(All three boys take different directions with one hand on the
comic)
Bart: Oh-oh.
CBG: Looks like you bought more than you bargained for boys.

[9F21] Homer's Barbershop Quartet
At the Springfield Swap Meet
Bart: What the hell's this?
CBG: Melvin and the Squirrels, part of the rodent invasion of the
early sixties.

[1F21] Lady Bouvier's Lover {dl}
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
Bart: Is this cel worth anything?
CBG: Huh, let me show you something. This, this is a Snagglepuss
drawn by Hic Hiesler, it is worth something. This, this is
an arm drawn by nobody, it is worth nothing.
Bart: Can't you give me anything for it?
CBG: I can give you this telephone, it is shaped like Mary Worth.
Bart: Awww.
CBG: No groaning in my store.

[2F32] 'Round Springfield
Lisa looks for Bleeding Gums Murphy's album
Lisa: Two hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that album to honour
the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy.
CBG: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so.
(CBG crosses out $250 on the price tag and writes $500)
Lisa: Awww.

Bart spends some money
Bart: 'Scuse me, my good man, I have five hundred dollars to blow.
What've you got?
CBG: Behold, the ultimate Pog. (indicates the Steve Allen Pog)
Bart: I'll take it. (Bart hesitates as he sees Lisa walk by the shop)
Bart: Mmmm!

[2F17] Radioactive Man
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
CBG: So you kids fancy youselves experts eh?
Bart: Well, between us we've read all eight hundred and
fourteen issues of Radioactive Man.
Milhouse: Yeah, and we both have a special limited edition issue
where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.
CBG: Well I suppose you know then that Hollywood is planning
a feature-film about Radioactive Man.
Bart and Milhouse: (hats fly upward) Gasp!
CBG: I have got to do something about that air conditioner
suction.
Bart: Who's gonna play Radioactive Man?
CBG: I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.
(He moves to his computer)
CBG: Okay, here we are, alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need
know star RM pic.

CBG and Otto are racing slot-cars
Bart: Have you seen Milhouse?
CBG: No. Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion
of the Universe.

[3F02] Bart Sells His Soul
Bart waits for the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
to open
CBG: If you are waiting for the 'Hi and Lois' signing, you are
too late. It has been moved to the Springfield Colosseum.
Bart: Please, you have something of mine on a little piece of
paper.
CBG: Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh. Well since my breakfast
burrito is congealing rapidly I will be blunt. I sold your
soul last night. I found a buyer right away for that item.
Bart: Who?
CBG: I am not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were
most interested in having possession of little boy's
soul.
(Bart bangs his head repeatedly on the counter)
CBG: Er, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case
please, it contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she
has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.

[3F07] Marge Be Not Proud
Bart sees a sign in the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card
Shop window
Bart: (Gasps) 99 cents.
(Bart enters shop)
Bart: I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm, here's 99 cents.
CBG: Huh. Allow me to summarise the proposed transaction. You
wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents, net profit to
me, negative 59 dollars.
(CBG opens the till)
CBG: Oh, oh, please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's
yours.
(Bart reaches for the money)
CBG: Er, er, er. Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I
shall close the register at this point, and state that
99 cents is the rental price.
Bart: Oh, then may I please rent it, please?
CBG: No you may not, I am all out, though I do have a surprising
amount of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.
Bart: Aww.

[3F10] Team Homer
Bart & Milhouse look at magazines
Bart: My God! The Mad Magazine Special Edition. They only
put out seventeen of these a year.
Milhouse: Boy! They're really sockin' it to that Spiro Agnew
guy again, he must work there or something.
Bart: Let's do the fold-in.
Milhouse: Okay. What higher power do TV evangelists worship?
Bart: I'll say God.
Milhouse: I'll say Jesus.
(They fold the magazine to reveal...)
Bart & Milhouse: The Almighty Dollar!
CBG: You fold it, you bought it.

[3F12] Bart The Fink
Leaves restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos
CBG: Yes, this should provide adequate sustainance for the
Dr. Who marathon.

[3F13] Lisa The Iconoclast
At 'The Copy Jalopy'
CBG: Question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
CBG: Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my
screenplay, Homer. And if I see a movie where computers
threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you
stole my idea.
Homer: I'm just waiting for my kid.
Homer's Brain: Mental note: steal his idea.

[3F16] The Day The Violence Died
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
(After a screening of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat)
Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy
before?
CBG: Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus.
This is a bootleg copy of Itchy and Scratchy meet
Fritz the Cat. Because of it's frank depiction of
sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile
intellect, such as yours, now toodle-oo.
Bart: Aww.
(Bart and Lisa turn to leave. Bart sees a framed drawing
of Itchy)
Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
CBG: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are
making me laugh. That drawing is worth exactly 750
dollars American.
Bart: It's valuable, huh?!
CBG: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I
can't allow you to waste them here when there are
so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment.
Go, go, for the good of the city.
Bart: Loser.

Bart runs into Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
(Kerching of the cash register)
CBG: Thank you.

[3F18] 22 Short Films About Springfield
CBG is talking on the telephone
CBG: Yes, and one with extra cheese, thank you.
(CBG puts down the telephone as a distressed Milhouse enters
the shop)
Milhouse: Can I use your bathroom?
CBG: No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying
customers only, if you purchase an item you
may use the bathroom.
Milhouse: Aw, ok, how about that?
(Milhouse points to a framed photo)
CBG: That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by
Roger Moore, it is worth one hundred and fifty
dollars.
Milhouse: Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?
CBG: (sigh) You may purchase this charming Hamburglar
adventure. A child has already solved the jumble
using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
(Milhouse pays for the comic as his father enters the shop)
Kirk: Er, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just
needed to use the bathroom, now I find you buying
comics.
CBG: Oh, our transaction is completed, you may take
the boy.
Milhouse: Wait!

[3F23] You Only Move Twice
CBG waves goodbye to the Simpsons
CBG: Toodle-oo

[4F03] The Homer They Fall
At 'Miscellaneous Etc.' gadget store
CBG: Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote
unquote, Ultimate Belt.
Storekeeper: I see, do you have a receipt, quote unquote,
sir?
CBG: I do not have a receipt, I won it as a door
prize at the Star Trek convention, although
I find their choice of prize highly illogical
as the average Trekker has no use for a
medium-sized belt.
Storekeeper: Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You
must be a devil with the ladies.
CBG: Hey, I... Huh... Tha... Oh...
Storekeeper: Gee, I hate to let you down Casanova, but uh, no
receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
CBG: Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book
store, where I dispense the insults rather than
absorb them.

[4F12] The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
CBG: Ahem, your attention please.
I&S fan: Er, in the episode...
CBG: Er, your attention please. Mr. Simpson will now be
autographing 8 by 10 glossies of Poochie. Please
form a line, there will be no cutting. I'm talking
to you Mr. Cutter.
(CBG cuts to the front of the line)
CBG: Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup.
Hi, can you make one out to me and three out to my
friend of the same name.

After the first episode of Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie
CBG: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the
worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet
within minutes registering my disgust throughout the
world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you
have to complain?
CBG: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of
entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe
you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
CBG: Worst episode ever.

[4F13] My Sister, My Sitter
In the wheelbarrow line at Dr. Nick's clinic
CBG: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

[4F15] Homer Vs. The 18th Amendment
CBG is accosted by Rex Banner
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
CBG: Yes, but only by night. By day, I am a mild-
mannered reporter for a major metropolitan
newspaper.
Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me tubby.
CBG: Tubby? Oh yes, tubby.

[4F16] The Canine Mutiny
Bart shops for comics
Bart: ...and Zebra Girl, and Zillionaire, and Zoidzilla.
CBG: And will there be any more spurging today?
Bart: Oh my, yes. Mmmm. I'll take that hardbound Radioactive
Man collection.
CBG: Ah, a superb choice. In volume two Radioactive Man travels
through time to defeat Jesse Owen in the 1936 Olympic Games.
Bart: Put it all on my credit card my good man.
CBG: Oh, pardon me Santos, if that is your real name, Bart
Simpson, but your phoney credit card is no good here.
Now make like my pants and split.
Bart: Awww.

[5F02] Treehouse Of Horror VIII - The Homega Man
CBG walks along the road reading a comic book
CBG: But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills,
you're from two different worlds.
(CBG sees missile approaching)
CBG: Oh, I've wasted my life.

[5F23] The Joy Of Sect
CBG attends the Movementarians mass marriage ceremony
CBG: (to new bride) So, do you enjoy comic books?

[5F11] Das Bus
CBG sits at his computer
CBG: Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: The Final Brassiere.
Oh hurry up, I'm a busy man. Ugh, this high-speed
modem is intolerably slow. (The download is interrupted
by a banner advertisement) Hey, what the? Huh, the
Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity.
(scene changes to Homer's office)
Homer: Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?
CBG: I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight
kilobaud internet connection to a one point five megabit
fibre-optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP
router that's compatable with my token ring ethernet LAN
configuration?
Homer: (after long pause) Can I have some money now?

[5F16] King Of The Hill
CBG sits on a Portaloo reading "Zebra Girl"
CBG: Oh, it appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.

[5F17] Lost Our Lisa {hl}
CBG sits on a bus wearing a helmet
Lisa: May I have that seat?
CBG: Yes. If you can answer me these questions three. Question
the first...
Lisa: Never mind.

[5F21] The Wizard Of Evergreen Terrace - Couch Scene
CBG sits in The Simpsons living room eating popcorn
Homer: (Steals some popcorn from CBG) Mmmm.
CBG: Hey!

[5F19] When You Dish Upon A Star
Outside the home of the celebrities
CBG: Alec, Alec, regarding that so called "silent" propulsion
system in "The Hunt For Red October", I printed out a list
of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.

[AABF05] Mayored To The Mob
At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con
CBG: Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spiderman" in with the
"Peter Parker - The Spectacular Spiderman" series. This
will not stand.
Woman: Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer
for this stack of water damaged Little Lulus.
CBG: Huh, "A" that is not water, it is Diet Mr. Pib, and "B"
I... (CBG turns to look at the woman) Ohh... Err... Tell
me, how do you feel about 45 year old virgins who still
live with their parents?
Woman: Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you're on.
CBG: Don't try to change me baby.

[AABF06] Viva Ned Flanders
At the car wash
CBG: I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable
and humorous bumper stickers, particularly this one (he
indicates a sticker which reads "My Other Car Is A Millennium
Falcon") which was given to me by a Harrison Ford lookalike.

Other bumper stickers
The Truth Is In Here
I Brake For Tribbles
Kang Is My Co-Pilot
My Child Is An Honor Student At Starfleet Academy
Keep Honking, I'm Charging My Phaser

[AABF17] Monty Can't Buy Me Love
Outside Fortune Megastore
CBG: Ooh, once again my underwear has become tangled in a cow-catcher.

[AABF18] They Saved Lisa's Brain
At the Mensa meeting
Dr. Hibbert: Now, let's get down to business, any new palindromes?
CBG: Rise to vote, sir.

At the Mensa meeting
Lisa: My family never talks about library standards and every
time I try to steer the conversation that way they make
me feel like a nerd.
CBG: We are hardly nerds, would a nerd wear such an irreverent
sweatshirt?
Lisa: (Reading sweatshirt)
C:/DOS
C:/DOS/RUN
RUN/DOS/RUN
Ha, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Frink: Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.

Role-playing with Mensa
Lisa: This is so cool, I feel like I'm back in the
Renaissance.
Frink: Please stay in character, gentle wench.
CBG: Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the
Sun and not t'other way round.
Lyndsey Nagle: Stop looking down my blouse Copernicus.
CBG: Forsooth, mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.

In Mayor Quimby's office
Chief Wiggum: So who's in charge?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, that's a good question, let's take a quick
look at the town charter.
Lyndsey Nagle: Done.
CBG: Done.
Lisa: Done.
Dr. Hibbert: Done.
Principal Skinner: Done.
Frink: Finished.

Being interviewed by Kent Brockman
CBG: The world has already taken note of our accomplishments, Springfield
has already moved up to 299 on the list of America's 300 most
liveable cities. (To camera) Take that East St. Louis.

At the Mensa society meeting
Lisa: Now next week is our "state of the city" address. Has
everyone finished their proposals.
CBG: Well first of all I've a plan to eliminate obesity in
women.
Lyndsey Nagle: Oh please, for a nickel-a-person tax increase we could
build a theatre for shadow puppets.
Dr. Hibbert: Balinese or Thai?
Lyndsey Nagle: Why not both, then everybody's happy.
CBG: Oh yeah, everyone's real happy then.
Lyndsey Nagle: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Frink: (With sarcasm detector) Are you kidding? This baby is off
the charts mm-hai.
CBG: A sarcasm detector, that's a real useful invention.
(Sarcasm detector explodes)

At the State of the City Address
CBG: Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding
will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will
mean much less breeding, for me, much much more.

At the State of the City Address
Dr. Hibbert: When are we going to get to my broccoli juice program?
CBG: Quit butting in please. Your I.Q. is a mere 155 while mine
is a muscular 170. (Sings) I am smart, much smarter than you,
Hibbert.
Frink: You should all do what I say. My I.Q. is 199 for crying out
flayven. (Bangs head) 198, 197...

[AABF22] Brother's Little Helper
Outside his store
(Bart drives by in his stolen tank)
CBG: Egad -- a maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job
for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly... Ghost Rider.
Otto: Well, what about Superman?
CBG: Oh, please.

[BABF01] Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena
At a Q&A with Lucy Lawless
(CBG crashes through the skylight on an electromagnet)
Collector: Behold, I am the Collector, and I have come to add you to
my collection. (turns on a magnet, which attracts Lucy's
breastplate. She sails up to the magnet, where she is
trapped)
Lawless: Must ... remove ... my ... breastplate! (unties the straps
holding it on. Below, everyone in the audience produces a
camera) Maybe later. (reties straps)

On the road
(The Collector has mounted the electromagnet, and Lucy, to his car)
Collector: [leaning out the window] Care for a Rollo, sweet Xena?
Lawless: All right Collector, stick this in your tweezers - I'm not
Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic!
Collector: Oh, please, I'm not insane. I simply wish to take you
back to my lair to be my bride.
Lawless: Oh, dear God!

In the Collector's Lair
(The Collector seal Lucy in a giant plastic bag)
Collector: Fear not, my syndicated sweetie. You'll be preserved
forever in this Mylar pouch, forever remaining in ... near
mint condition, between Dr. Who and of course Yasmine
Bleeth.
Lisa: I don't think so. [she and Bart smash through the wall]
Bart: I don't think so, either.
[stretches his butt up to the Collector's platform, and
waves it in his face]
Lisa: Your collecting days are over, Collector.
Collector: [pulls out a phaser] Stop right there. I have here the
only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once, to
keep William Shatner from making another album.

(He shoots and knocks out Lisa, then shoots repeated at Bart without
hitting him. Finally the phaser runs out of energy, and the Collector
throws it at Bart in frustration, hereby knocking him out)

In the Collector's Lair
(The Collector ties up Lisa and Bart, using Bart's elastic body as a
rope, on a hook suspended over a tank of bubbling Lucite)
Collector: Good night, Retch Dude and Slobber Girl. Sweet screams!
(begins to lower them into the Lucite tank)
(turning to Lawless) Ha, ha, ha! I am unbelievably amused.
Soon those bratty buttinskis will be encased in Lucite for
all eternity. While we're waiting, here are some names you
may call me on our wedding night: (clears throat) Obi Wan,
Iron Man, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and of course, Big Papa Smurf.
Lawless: What do you need me for? You could have your choice of any
of the women in these bags.
Collector: You would think so, but no.
Lawless: Really? Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other.
Growing up, I was tall for my age and all the other kids
made fun of me, I ... I always hoped for another
misunderstood soul to share my pain and, you could be that
soul, Collector.
Collector: Oh ...
Lawless: Come here, you. Xena needs Xex. (puckers up)
Collector: (puckers up)
Lawless: (grabs Collector's lips) Got your lips! (punches Collector
several times, and kicks him off the catwalk)
Collector: You tricked me! With a ruse so hackneyed, it would make
Stan Lee blush!

Fighting the Warrior Princess
(Lucy lands several kick and head blows on the Collector. She corners
him, and he picks up one of his collectables)
Collector: Ah ha! Not even Xena is a match for the double-edged
lightsaber from "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace!"
(takes it out of the package and activates it)
Lawless: (gasps) You removed it from its original packaging!
Collector: No! It's no longer a collectible! (staggers backward until
he crashes through a railing and plunges into the Lucite
tank)
Lawless: (walks up to the railing and frees herself from the pouch)
What a nerd.

Covered in Lucite
(The Collector, slowly, strikes a dramatic pose)
Collector: Lucite hardening ... must end life in classic Lorne Greene
pose from "Battlestar Galactica." Best ... death ... ever!

[BABF14] Days of Wine and D'oh'ses
In the alley behind his store
CBG: (throwing out a large stack of comics) It seems I will never sell
these "She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" comics. Worst cross-over ever!
(leaves)
Nerds: (get the sent of the comics and grab the comics from the trash
bin)
CBG: (points a flashlight at them, which make their eyes shine red)
Nerds: Aargh! (runs away)
CBG: (Waving a broom at them) Shoo, nerds, shoo!


[BABF18] It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge
Marge steals his pants
CBG: (Angrily) Come back! Those are prescription pants!


[BABF19] Behind the Laughter
Being interviewed for "Behind the Laughter"
CBG: One time, Lisa bought a first edition of "Susan B. Anthony Man".
Her check bounced higher than rubber girl!


[CABF01] Lisa the Treehugger
Upon seing the presumed dead Lisa
CBG: [pointing] A G-G-G-Girl!


[CABF02] The Computer Wore Menace Shoes
Sitting at his computer
CBG: Let's see here. X-rated girls, already bookmarked, dial extra sex.
Mr. X? Hmm, shall I cross the final frontier? What's this?
Stolen funds? Pothole money used for swimming pool? [Angered]
There's no emote icon for what I'm feeling!


[CABF04] Homer vs. Dignity
The Android's Dungeon
CBG: [Eating candy] 98...99...100. Oh, if only the real chicks went
down this easy.
Burns: Look at that comic book fellow, calmly eating candy like a
Spaniard! [Hands Homer a briefcase] Time for monkey to shine.
Homer: I'd like to buy a mint-condition "Spider Man" #1, please.
CBG: And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with 7 of 9.
[Homer opens his money filled briefcase]
Oh! Saturn's rings. Let me get that for you.
[produces the comics]
Paperback or tripple mylar?
Homer: No thanks, I'll just eat it here. [starts to eat the comic]
CBG: [In horror] Oh! No! What are you doing? [breaks down sobbing]


[BABF22] HOMR
Watching a voice actor perform
Lisa: Excuse me, but isn't that voice vere similar to the cowardly lion?
CBG: Also, sir, your loud mouth leopard is a rip-off of Jackie Gleason.
[crosses his arms]
Actor:
Frink: And the [?] cat sound exactly like Jerry Lewis! With the
stealing and the lawsuit - oh! Nice judge, don't hurt a person
[trails off].