Season 1


I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I did not see Elvis
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'
They are laughing at me, not with me
Garlic gum is not funny


Season 2


I will not encourage others to fly
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade pants with others
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I am not a 32 year old woman
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not sleep through my education

Season 3

Nobody likes sunburn slappers
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not squeak chalk
I will finish what I sta...(rt)
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not aim for the head
I will not spank others
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not spin the turtle
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures


Season 4


This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
Coffee is not for kids. (The writing gets progressively more scrawly toward the bottom of the
blackboard.)
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk. (accompanied by squeaking noises)
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
I will not sell miracle cures
No one is interested in my underpants
I will return the seeing-eye dog
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I do not have diplomatic immunity


Season 5


I will never win an Emmy
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I am not delightfully saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
The pledge of allegiance does not end with hail Satan
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun


Season 6


Beans are neither fruit nor musical
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not use abbrev.
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
I will not send lard through the mail
I will not dissect things unless instructed
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the principal
"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
I will not hang donuts on my person
I will remember to take my medication
I will not strut around like I own the place
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
Nerve gas is not a toy
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
The first amendment does not cover burping
This is not a clue...or is it?


Season 7


I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
"Bewitched" does not promote satanism
No one wants to hear from my armpits
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The boys room is not a water park
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I am not certified to remove asbestos